Operators are standing by to ignore your phone call today.

Are you looking to avoid becoming the next big thing in your chosen field? Do you like sitting in your dark bedroom vacantly scrolling through your phone to pass the time until it’s late enough to feasibly go to bed without waking up in the middle of the night in blind terror asking yourself how did I get here? Do you wish to ignore the siren song of productivity and accomplishment? If so, crippling emotional exhaustion from situations outside of your control is the mood for you!

By emotionally exhausting yourself each day before you’ve even finished your first cup of coffee you increase your chances of watching your life tick by without your active participation. This takes the guesswork out of existence which is really just a collection of uncertain moments lumped together if you think about it. And who needs that? Not you! Not when you can let other people’s concerns and ideas of how you should spend your time guide you.

For endless and easy installments paid in the form of mere slices of your soul each day, this fate can be all yours. Act now and we’ll throw in free existential dread because what even is the point of life on this garbage planet? Call today! Or don’t because it’s 2019 and no one likes talking on the phone anymore, least of all me. Please don’t call today. Or ever. Leave me alone. I’m tired.

This deal is not available in stores–unless you work in retail–in which case, it becomes a sign-on bonus.

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